A very old person once told me the secret to long life was to simply keep breathing.
Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for the reputation.
God gave men a brain and a penis. But only enough blood to run one at a time.
Hard work pays off in the future.
Laziness pays off now.
Men have only two emotions: hungry and horny.
So If you see me without an erection, make me a sandwich.
I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
A Gentleman is simply a patient wolf
The chicken and fish, are the only animals that are eaten before they're born and after they die.
If you can't intrigue them with science, baffle them with bullshit!!
why do farts smell? .... for the benefit of the deaf?
You have to be odd, to be number one! (Dr Seuss)
“Progress always involves risks; you can’t steal second base and keep your foot on first.”
Some pick-up lines for them in need of romance:
Did you sit in a pile of sugar? Cause you have a pretty sweet ass.
If you were a vegetable you'd be a cute-cumber.
I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
Is your daddy a baker? Because you've got some nice buns!
I'm not staring at your boobs. I'm staring at your heart.
My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
Are you a drill sergeant? Because you have my privates standing at attention.
If you're feeling down, I can feel you up.
I'll give you a nickel if you tickle my pickle.
Did you swallow a magnet? Because you're attractive.
I am an organ donor, need anything?
If loving you is a crime, then I'm looking at a life sentence.
When one door closes another door should open, but if it doesn't then go in through the window.
Give a man a fish and he will have food for one day. Teach him how to fish and he will spend all day at the lake drinking beer.
It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.
Why is it called lipstick when you can still move your lips?
Nothing is ever on fire, fire is on things.
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Who was the cruel person who put the "s" in lisp?
How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb? She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
Did you know that a group of ferrets is called a "business"?
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
One man's folly is another man's wife.
Q: What begins with T, ends with T and has T in it?
A: A teapot.
When the inventor of the drawing board fucked things up. What did he go back to?
A man is talking to God. “God, how long is a million years?”
God answers, “To me, it’s about a minute.”
“God, how much is a million dollars?”
“To me, it’s a penny.”
“God, may I have a penny?”
“Wait a minute.”
Every breath we take leaves us one breath closer to death.
You want to waste that breath complaining?
Fortune Tellers Society Annual General Meeting postponed due to unforeseen circumstances.
I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it. You never know when you might need a nail
Marriage is all about finding that special person to annoy for a lifetime
To-day is the Tomorrow that You worried about Yesterday.
Smile and make them wonder what you are up to.
A simple "Have a good day." to someone might be the thing that brightens their day.
Remember to pass on (pass forward) any good deed given to you and let the bad ones end at you. It won't solve all The World's ills but it will brighten it a little at that very moment and make at least two people feel better.
The only time the word "incorrectly" isn't spelled incorrectly, is when it's spelled incorrectly.
The only time the word "incorrectly" isn't spelled incorrectly, is when it's spelled incorrectly.
Who found out that you can get milk from a cow? And why was he doing it in the first place?
And who was first to say, I'm gonna eat the next thing to pop out of that chicken's arse??
And who was first to say, I'm gonna eat the next thing to pop out of that chicken's arse??
